Happiness

i kinda went through my last posts and realized....i was depressing. not like sad gloomy depressing but like hit her with a stick and make that bitch shut up depressing. and thats pretty depressing. HAPPINESS is learned. some of us truly just dont know how to be happy. even when things are going good in our lives we look for that minor insignificant detail and use that to complain about how the world is against us. its like the evil stepmom who inspects the dishes their step-kid just washed, see a spot on the glass, freak out, break all the dishes..then throw the kid out of a window.(hey..it happens). so my solemn promise is to stop being all dark and gloomy in my post(i will leave that for the emos..they do a good job at it) and stick to what i know best. insults and sarcasm glazed over with whit and intelligence. im not good at that emo stuff anyway...my wrist are one of my favorite parts of my body...i dont want to slash them.

hypocrisy is golden

i was looking online(pathetically) for a pick me up and i came across some sayings(bullshit..might i add) but nonetheless popular. first one goes --> "its OK to cry"(lies). salty tears stain cheeks with salty streaks then travel to lips which will form salty kisses and my emotions will still be on edge. and to cry in front of those that have hurt me would be a betrayal to my person. heres another one --> "crying is emotionally healthy"(what grade A quack psychologist came up with this) they should be pummeled right along with the person that said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"( yes they do asshole). another bull shit saying is "pain is only temporary" well from personal experience days which have turned into months which may progress into a year or two is a pretty long time for temporary. so this is my new motto "fake it" though you may be decaying on the outside where a plastic smile...does it make your heart any less sour? (NO) but its better than giving someone the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin. wwhen someone asks you if you are ok though your soul is screaming lyrical hymns of pain tell the lil fucker to stay quite and lie..say your happy, voicing out your brokenness wont make you any less broken..instead give your problems to God or for the non believers blog it out...or what ever you decide to do..just stop being pathetic..

one day......

one day...i will finally reach the end of the vodka bottle...or maybe the jager bottle. plastic smiles will be replaced by genuine ones and that whole in my heart might actually be plastered. one day il stop contorting into an emotional wrecking ball away from the stares of others bc god forbid i let them see me cry, but one day they will know that i do have a heart and that it was worn on my sleeves the whole time. one day i will hang up my cape bc my days of playing super woman are long gone. one day i will reach out my hands and instead of attempting to touch the soul of anothers i will allow these hands to rescued bc lord know i the need help. one day brown eyes will stop pouring tears that reflect the broken person i am and one day il stop missing him... no..one day i wont want to miss him bc hopefully by then i would have realized there is more to life than him. one day i will be able to write a proper poem and not the cliche im sad poem even though i am the cliche..i am sad. but one day il be ok...until that day i have my shot glass my vodka and my jager, and until that day il just keep searching for the bottom.

Myths and Reality

so currently in my life, im dealing with many firsts. and quite frankly i dont know if im doing the right thing. what i do know is that many of my present decisions have been based on the so called "facts of life" taught to me...ladies and gentlemen, those so called facts are actually lies generated by some jerk who thought believing those myths whould actually help there situation.Myth 1) When you let the person go you can then move on (BOGUS!) FACT) you miss them more. you go back and forth on your decison thinking what the fuck did i just do and i did screw up my happiness. how in the hell can you move on when the ex constantly occupies your mind. personally whoever came up with this crap is most liekly single..which brings me to my seccongd point. Myth 2) Its better to be single because you can live your life and be free. single people can do as they wish without having to ask permission from someone else. (BULL!) FACT) our souls long for a mate and if there is such joy and freedom in being single whats the point in going to the clubs trying to mingle with other singles. why not just adopt 100 cats and sit at home with Ben and Jerry's, who ever came up with this fuckrish obviously did. Myth 3) There is a person out there for everyone (Crap) i really dont even have to say much because myth 3 refutes the bullshit myth 2 tries to make everyone believe. soo yeah...agree with me or dont it really doesnt matter because FACT) not everyone is going to like you.

nervous college breakdown prt 2

so i just thought of something
i just dont know how to say it with out completely saying it.
maybe i shouldnt have started this post...hmmm...im three lines into the post and now four so what the hell here goes *breathe*
I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL
first il start off with school...my english professor is a bitch..she is a bitch becasue she is right. im an honors student. there are things that are expected of me and i havnt been doing them. i disappoint my self and i guess hearing the truth completley cut me deep.
it faced me with my recklessness of my education...i hate it when im the blame for the things that are holding me back..and i guess beating myself up about it isnt going to change the fact that i fucked up. yes FUCKED UP. i guess i just have to move on *sigh*
second thing....o0o0o0 how do i state this...i cant...
no se porque me siento asi....

nervous college breakdown

so its crazy funny how like im stressed as it all ready is and like before i get to handle one stresser i get faced with another...(ok shawnee just blog it out)
here goes...wait im not ready.
today i had another conversation in my head..it was like shawnee go hide and i was like no...then the voice said dude your not emotionally stable to face what your about to face..then i told the voice to fuck off. (and yes i am crazy)
but on a serious note..i always run away from my problems..but its sick because i thought i hit that maturity level where im able to deal..i guess im not. i thought i stopped all my running
my problem is i can talk the talk but when situations make me walk the walk..i cant. (i need to come up with another word..situation sounds old)
this is frustrating and yes i know very confusing on your part because i know you have no idea what im talking about and i hope that one day i will have the courage to post a completely honest post that will tie all of the confuzzling blogs together (is confuzzling even a frekn word)
im a hot mess. please bear with me.

behind brown eyes

BABY STEPS- a saying that means you cant jump into something, you have to ease your way into it.

EXPECTATIONS- pressure put on a person in hopes that they live up to them

DISAPPOINTMENT- the feeling you get when they or your self dont

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN- when the walls begin to close in because this shit is getting to be too much

MEN-another word for headache or stress; sometimes referred to as pain in the ass

and no this isnt hooked on phonics this is me breaking down my current life. this is me attempting to blog my emotions out because right now i dont know how to handle what im feeling.

CONFUSION- another word for SHAWNEE

sticks and stones

its funny...
words snap just like fingers sending tremors to the structure of a body...shaking that structure of a body..breaking that structure of body.
smashing self confidence
inialating self worth
its crazy
how a razor tongue can cut deeper than any knife... scarring your thoughts...shredding your very being. killing the person you are and then leaving hidden bruises.
its sad
words hurt.
skin can repair..bones can mend but what about your soul?
what about your heart?
how do you bounce back from being broken?
its hard
it can take years to build..but one insensitive comment to destroy
this isnt a poem..its just a thought

carpe diem

sieze the day! (thats what carpe diem mean by the way)
but any way sieze the day!
ive come to realize that even though i want this to be the motto of my life i dont live by it.
im struggling with the whole walk the walk talk the talk concept.
carpe diem
its a scary thought...and what does this whole sieze the day principle actually entails?
do i live my life party by party with alcohol and chips being my main diet?do i aproach that cute guy, claim him then toss him..with the excuse that life is too short to be tied down?
do i jump off the san fran bridge with a bunjee cord just because?
skyscraping?
cliff diving?
complete recklessness?
i dont know my mind is every where at this point.
momento mori (im only human)
*sigh*
i do know one thing. that to be able to sieze the day i cant end the day permanently...soo nothing too crazy.
i also know that i need to get out there more.
be brave
be crazy
stick the middle finger up to conformity!
from this day i vow to do one thing...that personifies this whole carpe diem motto
im not on the bunjee jumping level..not just yet (baby steps)
but maybe il jump up in the lrc and start screaming
naaaa im kidding...or am i
carpe diem!

my apologies....

yes...im a disgrace
how can i honestly call myself a blogger when i let xm amount of days past by with out posting?
throw rocks at me
banish my my online diary
cast me to the depths of the internet so that i may find some other blogging site who will disgrace themselves to let me sign up for an account!!
too much? yeah i know...i tend to do that..forgive me.
so how can i nutshell my life in the confinement of this post? i know! il start with my spring break trip.
spring break was awesome...it was awesome for all the wrong reasons (juicy)
yes..in the process of trying to find myself i lost myself. i backslid down ganja stairs...mind and thoughts lifted away while marijuana lungs broke the fall.
but im not complaining. not about that at least
there one aspect during my trip that im trying to wrap my brains around.
one aspect im trying to crack open and unlock because its the concrete personification of my metaphor. the puzzle im trying to solve. the questions i need answers too.
this one particular thing has inprinted its mark upon me that eventhough im no longer on the east coast my mind feels as though its there. and im confused
more like compuzzled.
when i figure out how to articulate my thoughts into a sensible blog..i promise you i will..until then...the next post awaits

A Good Day (According to Shawnee)

Today was a Good Day.
It started off with my father calling me at 6:am to talk about my plane ticket (IM GOING HOME FOR EASTER BREAK!!!).
Even though i am not a morning person that was pretty awesome news. I cant wait to visit everyone. Epic!
After that i left the house, running late, despite the fact that i woke up so early and went to my first class. trying to pay attention to my psych teacher this guy comes across and tickles me. I dont like this particular character in that way, and was even advised to keep my distance. Wierd!
Next i rushed out of the class room to my math class...math class damn near killed me. Bored!
Class let out and i went down to the cafe in dire need of some serious caffeine. mr touch me during class spotted me (Fuck). talked for a bit while i ordered my yuummy drink. he asked me to go to the movies..didnt give straight answer..i did the lets be friends thing...none the less still exchanged numbers. (hope i dont regret it) Awkward!
Met up with my IV group. Love those guys. Talked to a very cute guy in the group.(cha ching!) Hung out with IV for a bit. a second cute guy came poked fun at him. exchanged numbers with some other guy..new buddy. Did i mention the people in IV were awesome. Was invited to a function friday night. Even more of a bonus. Greatness!
Last class. blah blah blah and more blah blah blah. heard the words test and next class in the same sentence. shit! better pay attention. Asked a question that was answered several times before. Made a complete ass of myself. Nice!
This was pretty much my day...and it was beyond Amazing.
The girl is having consecutive nice days...this new perspective on life is paying off.

*gasp* she smiles

i was advoiding this
i was trying to stay away from the computer because i knew i would end up on this frekn blog site.
its because im a girl (only girls act like this)
yesturday was a good day...i refuse to say why *smiles*
nope not going to do it *still smiling* im not going to say i probably met the most awesome person ever..no!!!!! *still still smiling*
this is a vague post
my apologies
im going to go now

Amor..yeah i know

so today in my spanish speakers class (yeah i had to throw that speakers bit in) we talked about love. or should i say AMOR? but anyway, the professor walked around the class and asked each one of us (in spanish of course) what we believed to be love. is it that heart pounding feeling exaggerated in the t.v.? One guy in class said he doesnt believe in love. i believe his words were "no creo que en amor. no pienso que existe" of course everyone gave him that pitiful awwwww, but when i actually talked to him to see what was going on in that apathetic head of his..he sort of made sense? he said that love is an ideology made up. its not permanent. its abstract because it isnt there. this hopeless romantic is reluctant to say this...but i kinda sorta see why he would think that. personally ive never been in love and havent had good examples thrown out to me. i mean ive had friends and family (females of course..because only females act like this) become obssesive compulsive about a certain guy just to have that romance short live. obssesion over something thats temporary? seems a tad pathetic. its inane. soo what is this hopeless romantic to do? do she throw out her copy of Beauty and the Beast (love that movie by the way) and curse herself for watching movies like P.S. I LOVE YOU and Penelope because they made think about and wish for an idea based upon a made up concept?!?!?!
one of my favorite singers stated in his song "it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes YEARS to know what love is" i thought that was the sweetest quote ever..but now who knows?

ME, MYSELF AND SHAWNEE

soo im sitting here, in the lab, in city college having a convo with me self..in my head of course..im not crazy. my brain is like hey go study you have class soon...but im like freks that.. dont want to.
my mind and heart are never on the same page.
its wierd. who knows me better than me..no one(i hope)
so why do i constantly fight myself. why do we as people constantly fight ourselves(i know im not the only one)
something as inane as the studying/facebook issue i can deal with, but when it comes to situations and decisions that will actually leave a huge mark on my life..i cant handle..why? Because i fight my inner emotions. i go against my judgement.
im a sucker for cliches and that saying YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY is holding truth.
and to think it took my unhealthy addiction with facebook to figure that out...