Happiness

i kinda went through my last posts and realized....i was depressing. not like sad gloomy depressing but like hit her with a stick and make that bitch shut up depressing. and thats pretty depressing. HAPPINESS is learned. some of us truly just dont know how to be happy. even when things are going good in our lives we look for that minor insignificant detail and use that to complain about how the world is against us. its like the evil stepmom who inspects the dishes their step-kid just washed, see a spot on the glass, freak out, break all the dishes..then throw the kid out of a window.(hey..it happens). so my solemn promise is to stop being all dark and gloomy in my post(i will leave that for the emos..they do a good job at it) and stick to what i know best. insults and sarcasm glazed over with whit and intelligence. im not good at that emo stuff anyway...my wrist are one of my favorite parts of my body...i dont want to slash them.

hypocrisy is golden

i was looking online(pathetically) for a pick me up and i came across some sayings(bullshit..might i add) but nonetheless popular. first one goes --> "its OK to cry"(lies). salty tears stain cheeks with salty streaks then travel to lips which will form salty kisses and my emotions will still be on edge. and to cry in front of those that have hurt me would be a betrayal to my person. heres another one --> "crying is emotionally healthy"(what grade A quack psychologist came up with this) they should be pummeled right along with the person that said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"( yes they do asshole). another bull shit saying is "pain is only temporary" well from personal experience days which have turned into months which may progress into a year or two is a pretty long time for temporary. so this is my new motto "fake it" though you may be decaying on the outside where a plastic smile...does it make your heart any less sour? (NO) but its better than giving someone the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin. wwhen someone asks you if you are ok though your soul is screaming lyrical hymns of pain tell the lil fucker to stay quite and lie..say your happy, voicing out your brokenness wont make you any less broken..instead give your problems to God or for the non believers blog it out...or what ever you decide to do..just stop being pathetic..

one day......

one day...i will finally reach the end of the vodka bottle...or maybe the jager bottle. plastic smiles will be replaced by genuine ones and that whole in my heart might actually be plastered. one day il stop contorting into an emotional wrecking ball away from the stares of others bc god forbid i let them see me cry, but one day they will know that i do have a heart and that it was worn on my sleeves the whole time. one day i will hang up my cape bc my days of playing super woman are long gone. one day i will reach out my hands and instead of attempting to touch the soul of anothers i will allow these hands to rescued bc lord know i the need help. one day brown eyes will stop pouring tears that reflect the broken person i am and one day il stop missing him... no..one day i wont want to miss him bc hopefully by then i would have realized there is more to life than him. one day i will be able to write a proper poem and not the cliche im sad poem even though i am the cliche..i am sad. but one day il be ok...until that day i have my shot glass my vodka and my jager, and until that day il just keep searching for the bottom.

Myths and Reality

so currently in my life, im dealing with many firsts. and quite frankly i dont know if im doing the right thing. what i do know is that many of my present decisions have been based on the so called "facts of life" taught to me...ladies and gentlemen, those so called facts are actually lies generated by some jerk who thought believing those myths whould actually help there situation.Myth 1) When you let the person go you can then move on (BOGUS!) FACT) you miss them more. you go back and forth on your decison thinking what the fuck did i just do and i did screw up my happiness. how in the hell can you move on when the ex constantly occupies your mind. personally whoever came up with this crap is most liekly single..which brings me to my seccongd point. Myth 2) Its better to be single because you can live your life and be free. single people can do as they wish without having to ask permission from someone else. (BULL!) FACT) our souls long for a mate and if there is such joy and freedom in being single whats the point in going to the clubs trying to mingle with other singles. why not just adopt 100 cats and sit at home with Ben and Jerry's, who ever came up with this fuckrish obviously did. Myth 3) There is a person out there for everyone (Crap) i really dont even have to say much because myth 3 refutes the bullshit myth 2 tries to make everyone believe. soo yeah...agree with me or dont it really doesnt matter because FACT) not everyone is going to like you.

nervous college breakdown prt 2

so i just thought of something
i just dont know how to say it with out completely saying it.
maybe i shouldnt have started this post...hmmm...im three lines into the post and now four so what the hell here goes *breathe*
I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL
first il start off with school...my english professor is a bitch..she is a bitch becasue she is right. im an honors student. there are things that are expected of me and i havnt been doing them. i disappoint my self and i guess hearing the truth completley cut me deep.
it faced me with my recklessness of my education...i hate it when im the blame for the things that are holding me back..and i guess beating myself up about it isnt going to change the fact that i fucked up. yes FUCKED UP. i guess i just have to move on *sigh*
second thing....o0o0o0 how do i state this...i cant...
no se porque me siento asi....

nervous college breakdown

so its crazy funny how like im stressed as it all ready is and like before i get to handle one stresser i get faced with another...(ok shawnee just blog it out)
here goes...wait im not ready.
today i had another conversation in my head..it was like shawnee go hide and i was like no...then the voice said dude your not emotionally stable to face what your about to face..then i told the voice to fuck off. (and yes i am crazy)
but on a serious note..i always run away from my problems..but its sick because i thought i hit that maturity level where im able to deal..i guess im not. i thought i stopped all my running
my problem is i can talk the talk but when situations make me walk the walk..i cant. (i need to come up with another word..situation sounds old)
this is frustrating and yes i know very confusing on your part because i know you have no idea what im talking about and i hope that one day i will have the courage to post a completely honest post that will tie all of the confuzzling blogs together (is confuzzling even a frekn word)
im a hot mess. please bear with me.

behind brown eyes

BABY STEPS- a saying that means you cant jump into something, you have to ease your way into it.

EXPECTATIONS- pressure put on a person in hopes that they live up to them

DISAPPOINTMENT- the feeling you get when they or your self dont

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN- when the walls begin to close in because this shit is getting to be too much

MEN-another word for headache or stress; sometimes referred to as pain in the ass

and no this isnt hooked on phonics this is me breaking down my current life. this is me attempting to blog my emotions out because right now i dont know how to handle what im feeling.

CONFUSION- another word for SHAWNEE